“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” — Leo Tolstoy

Tolstoy was certainly onto something. Often, while working with clients in my practice, I hear them say things like, “If only she changed, then I could be more patient with her”, “If she didn’t provoke me so much, I wouldn’t get violent”, or “If he wasn’t so touchy, I wouldn’t respond this way.” It seems like we often wait for others to make changes before we decide to change ourselves. Many of us strongly believe that our responses are purely determined by the other person’s behaviour. They provide the stimulus and we respond accordingly. As a result, we may spend years blaming those around us — our parents, partners, colleagues or friends — for our problems.

We have more control to change than we choose to believe

While it may be easier to believe that the fault always lies with the other person, the situation, or some other external factor, this kind of thinking can also take away our power to change. If we truly believe that another person controls our thoughts, behaviours or emotions, it would mean that we have no control over our own responses. As a result, we become helpless to change our circumstances, no matter how unhappy we are with them.

Positively responding to others begins with changing ourselves first

The truth is that no matter how badly we might want someone we care about to change, we cannot make them change. People only change when they are ready to and genuinely want to. Assuming we can force other people to change — by correcting them enough, overwhelming them with logic, or sulking — leads to nothing but more frustration. What if we start changing ourselves without waiting for other people to meet our expectations? It’s important to recognise that we can start making positive changes at any given moment. We don’t need to wait for the other person to behave differently before we respond in a better way. This is something we all struggle to accept.

An illustration from Kritika and Arun’s story

Kritika and Arun came for marriage counselling because they had been frequently fighting. Arun believes that Kritika does not appreciate everything he does for her and their family, and so he has stopped trying to spend time with her. Kritika, on the other hand, feels that Arun is not open to hearing her out or trying to understand her concerns. The only way to get his attention, she feels, is to start a fight and show him how angry she is. Arun wants Kritika to stop getting angry; Kritika wants Arun to stop avoiding her and face their problems. Both partners place the responsibility for change entirely onto the other person.

Many people also believe that changing their stance or initiating a reconciliation is a sign of weakness — they don’t want to give up their point of view. But Kritika and Arun’s relationship will continue to deteriorate as long as each waits for the other to do something about it.

Both have played a part in these problems arising, and both need to play a part in resolving them. The moment they begin to recognise that, they can start identifying what they need to change about their own behaviour. Perhaps Kritika could find better ways of expressing her feelings to Arun rather than staying hostile. In turn, Arun could work on addressing their problems directly rather than avoiding her or escaping into work and friends.

An alternative approach

When you start taking the initiative to make changes, others may also respond in kind — though that cannot be guaranteed. The main purpose behind making these changes is to help yourself feel better, regardless of the other person’s behaviour. In other words, you have the power to help yourself.

If the issues described in this article resonate with you and you are interested in making positive changes in your life, TalkItOver provides individual counselling and a range of other services for you to choose from.

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